His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
