He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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