he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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