he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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