I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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