Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
