I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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