I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
