Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
