I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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