Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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