Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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