Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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