Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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