Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
YAS. BRING CRAB.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
