Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
