he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
