My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
