I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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