i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
