Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
