i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
