I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
