then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
