I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
my poor anus
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
