You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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