How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
