I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
