I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
