I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
