I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
