Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
