I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
