I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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