Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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