I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
