Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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