Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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