I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
