I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
