I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
