I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
