i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
