That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
