This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
