What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
