The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
