I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
