i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
