U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
