He kissed a someone with a penis
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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